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Money, Relationships & Estate Planning with Lottie Leefe

Millie Ngai-Lenoir

Date: Oct 15, 2020

We all have our own beliefs and definitions when it comes to money. It can feel overwhelming or embarrassing to talk about our finances, so it’s no surprise that money can be a source of stress in our personal relationships, putting couples or families, under significant stress. 

In this episode, Lottie Leefe, financial advisor and founder of The Dura Society shares her mission of helping women through different stages of life to improve and take control of their wealth and well-being. Lottie gives her top tips for opening up the conversation of money within a relationship and covers what you should consider before making joint financial decisions, as well as providing valuable guidance on being financially prepared for the unexpected (wills, pension beneficiaries, insurances).This episode also touches on what to do and how to look after yourself when you end up in very challenging situations such as debt, economic abuse or divorce.

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1. Why should I have a money conversation with my partner?

As the topics of politics and sex have become more acceptable topics of conversation, discussions around money have remained taboo. Given that money is so pervasive in our lives, not opening up about your personal finances can take a major negative toll on your mental and physical health. This is no less the case when it comes to the impact of money on our close relationships. Not communicating about money can harm those closest to you, and dishonestly where your personal finances are concerned can reduce the trust and place huge stress on your relationships. If your personal finances are intertwined with someone else’s, the way you handle your money in the short-term will have a direct impact on their financial goals. For example, if you have a joint account with your partner, any money mistakes you make have the potential to impact their credit rating and, hence, their ability to meet their financial goals.

Lottie explains that such stress is significant because of the representative role money has where your values, self-worth and trust are concerned, making it a hugely loaded concept if not dealt with correctly. According to Forbes, financial problems are one of the leading reasons for divorce, especially when it comes to conflicting ‘money styles’; if one relationship partner is a big spender while the other is a saver, tensions can arise when making important money decisions.

The more you are able to open up and talk about money and be candid about your financial situation, the less likely you will experience the nasty fallout that comes when joint finances are not tackled in the right way. In fact, according to Relate, one third of people say that their partner’s support when talking about their finances would benefit them. Fruitful areas of money discussion could include:

  • Which bills are a priority and who is responsible for them

  • Whether you should be managing money jointly or separately

  • How you should set joint financial goals for the short, medium and long-term

  • How to tackle any debt problems either of you might have 

  • How you want to save money for the future

  • How major life changes might be impacting your personal finances

2. What is the best way to open up a dialogue?

It is perfectly normal to feel stressed about initiating a conversation about money with your partner. It can be easy to let your emotions take over and come away frustrated, feeling that you have issues that remain unresolved. However, a bit of preparation prior to the discussion can be helpful in allowing you to explain any issues you might have and lead to a more constructive outcome. This could mean practising the conversation ahead of time so that you know what you are going to say and anticipating how your partner might respond. Lottie suggests that one of the best things to do is to pencil in a time to sit down with your partner so that you can both make sufficient space in your day to work through the issues. It is also best to find a place where you won’t be disrupted during your discussion. Lottie recommends that such conversations should be as non-confrontational as possible and that you must enter the conversation with a ‘team mindset’, seeing your finances as a topic you are going to work through together and not blaming your partner no matter what position they find themselves in. Ideally, you should have the conversation alone with your partner but if you feel safer with a third-party present because you don’t know how your partner might react, then you should pick a close member of family or friend, who will remain neutral during the conversation, to mediate.

The Money Advice Service recommends Toucan if you are struggling to start a money conversation with your partner. Toucan is a free app which is designed to help couples work together to resolve relationship tensions, including a module on talking about money.

3. When is the right time to talk to your partner about finances?

Clearly, having a discussion about money with your significant other is important for maintaining a healthy, functioning relationship. The sooner you are able to be open and honest about your situation, the better. That said, asking how much someone earns and what investments they have on a second date, might not go down too well. So when is the right time to open up to your partner about money?!

Lottie advises that the right time to discuss finances with your partner is when your finances become linked in some way with theirs. This could be when you move in together and start paying bills jointly or when you decide to take out a loan together in joint names. It is at this point that their financial situation can have a big impact on your own financial well-being and it is therefore important that you are both open with one another when it comes to money. 

4. Who can I go to for help if I am suffering from financial abuse

Financial abuse is more common than you might think: one in five adults in the UK suffers from financial abuse and restricted financial independence. 

The Care Act of 2014 defines ‘financial abuse’ as a type of abuse which includes “having money or other property stolen; being defrauded; being put under pressure in relation to money or other property; and having money or other property misused”.

While this definition is clear, it can be very hard to spot the initial signs of financial abuse because it is often very subtle. However, if someone is controlling your money, stopping you from being financially independent or running debts in your name, this is financial abuse and you should seek help. Financial abuse is a serious concern in itself but it is often compounded by layers of emotional and physical abuse. The Money Advice Service offers an online guide on ‘Protecting against financial abuse’ which helps to explain the best course of action to take should you find yourself in this frightening situation, especially if you think that talking to your partner might cause them to do or say things that put you at risk of mental or physical harm. Alternatively, you can contact these numbers should you need free and confidential support:

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0808 2000 247

The Victim Support helpline – 08 08 16 89 111

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You can listen (41 min) and subscribe here:

Apple Podcasts

Acast

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Resources: 

Lottie has shared some great resources in this episode. All the links are below:

You can follow and connect with Lottie at: