What's The Value of Your Unpaid Work? with Eve Rodsky
Women often shoulder two-thirds or more of the unpaid domestic work and childcare responsibilities for their homes and families. This has significant effects on relationships, wealth, and overall well-being. In this episode, Eve Rodsky discusses how to make societal change one partnership at a time, aiming to redistribute domestic work and redefine relationships. We look into actionable systems outlined in her book and platform Fair Play, addressing mental load, returning to work, and the importance of prioritising alone ‘unicorn’ time.
What's The Value of Your Unpaid Work? with Eve Rodsky
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early dreams and reality
Eve, a New York native now residing in Los Angeles, didn’t set out to become an expert on household management and financial equality. However, life had other plans for her. She entered law school in 1999, graduating in 2002. Little did she know that her path would intersect with that of a future U.S. Senator, Elizabeth Warren.
During her law school days, Eve harboured ambitious dreams. She envisioned herself as a senator representing New York, even aspiring to the presidency. Eve believed that the progress made by previous generations would grant her equal footing with men. After all, women now had their own bank accounts, credit cards, and easier divorce laws. The narrative painted a rosy picture of empowerment. Yet, as she reflects on her life a decade later, Eve acknowledges that the glass ceilings she expected to shatter remained very much intact.
Despite societal advancements, Eve found herself navigating financial challenges unique to her gender. Her experiences led her to delve deeper into this complex issue, culminating in her inspiring work.
Eve opens up about the pivotal moment when she realised the weight of invisible labour in her life. Juggling a myriad of tasks, from childcare to her career, she found herself overwhelmed and underappreciated, symbolised by a simple text from her husband. This moment of vulnerability, coupled with the challenges of balancing work and family, led Eve to reflect on the systemic issues affecting working mothers and the undervaluation of their contributions both at home and in the workforce.
“I mean, I now say that I was forced out. We never opt out of paid work and corporations, they force us out. And so I was already feeling very isolated in my life, abandoned by my workplace, sort of abandoned by my community that was calling me Zach’s mom at the time, they didn’t even know my name.”
Shared experiences
Eve’s research, or as she calls it, “me-search,” combines personal stories into a rich tapestry of relatable experiences. Her work resonates with people at different life stages.
Eve reminds us that progress isn’t straightforward. It demands ongoing conversations, questioning assumptions, and advocating for change.
In 2011, when Eve experienced her awakening to the unequal distribution of household responsibilities in her marriage, resources like podcasts and social media weren't readily available to offer support or facilitate conversations about these issues. Despite her realisation, it took her eight years to fully comprehend the depth of the problem and its impact on her life. Living in a marriage where she prioritised her husband's career and shouldered the bulk of domestic duties, Eve found herself trapped in a cycle that reflected the prevalent societal norms of women taking on the larger share of household and family responsibilities.
fair play
The journey towards Fair Play, a practical guide for achieving household equality, was born out of her professional expertise as a lawyer specialising in organisational design for affluent families. Drawing on her experience in navigating complex family dynamics and systems, Eve recognised the need for applying similar principles to household management. She understood that the key to successful organizational dynamics lay in establishing clear boundaries, implementing effective systems, and fostering open communication.
Driven by her desire to challenge centuries-old patriarchal norms dictating women's confinement to domestic roles, Eve embarked on a mission to redefine the narrative around household responsibilities. Despite the lack of existing resources addressing these issues, Eve leveraged her expertise to develop Fair Play - which turned out to be a groundbreaking framework aimed at empowering couples to navigate the complexities of modern family life with grace, humour, and generosity. Through Fair Play, Eve sought to fill the void in conversations surrounding the home as an organisation, offering practical solutions to address the imbalance of labour and decision-making within households.
Beginning with systems seemed more manageable than tackling boundaries and communication, which were deeply entrenched in gendered issues. She recognised the need to challenge societal norms dictating women's roles and empower women to voice their needs.
Fair Play: Share the mental load, rebalance your relationship and transform your life
Fair Play developed into a structured system of 100 cards, gamified to guide users through household tasks. Eve emphasised the importance of recognising the increased workload that comes with having children and ensuring fairness regardless of income.
As for introducing Fair Play to others, Eve acknowledged two camps: those ready to embrace the system and those hesitant to relinquish control. She suggested starting with the system for willing partners while addressing the concerns of those reluctant to delegate.
household responsibilities
The key question Eve posed during her research was, "how does mustard get in your refrigerator?" This query was transformative because traditional data on time use was skewed, with men often over-reporting and women under-reporting their contributions to household tasks. By focusing on mustard, Eve uncovered key insights into household dynamics.
Women, particularly after having children, were typically the ones responsible for noticing and managing household needs, such as replenishing mustard supplies. This process involved conception (noticing the need), planning (managing the grocery list), and execution (procuring the item). However, despite their efforts, partners often failed to meet expectations, bringing home the wrong type of mustard.
This breakdown in efficiency highlighted the importance of Fair Play's ownership mindset, where individuals take full responsibility for tasks assigned to them. By redistributing responsibilities and fostering accountability, Fair Play aims to rebalance household dynamics.
Eve shared a personal example of how implementing Fair Play benefited her family, freeing up her time as her husband took ownership of coordinating their children's extracurricular activities. This shift in responsibility, from an 85-person text chain to ordering equipment, relieved Eve of these tasks, demonstrating the practical impact of Fair Play's principles.
By embracing an ownership mindset rather than striving for a 50-50 split, Fair Play offers flexibility to adapt to various household configurations, including roommates. While addressing boundaries and communication can be more challenging, Eve encourages those ready to implement the system to begin their Fair Play journey and experience immediate changes in their home dynamics.
accountability and communication
Explicitly defined expectations are crucial for maintaining accountability and trust within a marriage. Eve emphasises that accountability and trust are fundamental pillars of any successful relationship, yet they can erode over time.
Trouble often arises in situations where couples prioritise the male partner's career, leading to economic risks for the female partner. This imbalance in economic power can trap women in the relationship, as they lack the financial independence to leave. Eve highlights the importance of explicitly defining expectations regarding unpaid labour in the home, suggesting that discussions around post-nuptial agreements can help address these issues.
Eve challenges traditional gender roles, debunking the notion that being a homemaker is inherently fulfilling or financially secure. Eve also stresses the need for couples to have open conversations about income, earning potential, and financial contributions, particularly if they have been together for a long time without addressing these issues.
She urges couples to recognise the value of unpaid labour and the detrimental impact of the time versus money mindset, which often disproportionately affects women. By empowering men to take on a more equitable share of household responsibilities, we can enjoy a more balanced dynamic within relationships and society as a whole.
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Resources
Eve Rodsky: https://www.everodsky.com/
Fair Play: https://www.fairplaylife.com/
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